Pain

 New development this week...I've developed a hand twitch...which is probably not good :( It doesn't twitch all the time- mostly if I spend too much time on the computer- but I haven't started on a piece yet this week and am not really sure what effect pliers will have on my hand. We'll see. The twitch seems to be associated with the same movement (pinching something between hand and thumb, like pushing a button on a remote, turning keys/dead bolts, holding certain things-like a measuring cup) that caused me a lot of pain when I originally damaged my hand 3 years ago (oh wow, has it really been 3 years?).

For those that don't know, I popped the cartilage is my hand (where the thumb and index finger bones meet the bones in the wrist) 3 years ago opening a jar of honey (yeah...the jar won...) causing permanent damage. I didn't originally have it treated and after a month of two of diminishing motor function in that hand (related to the aforementioned pinching/squeezing actions- i couldn't turn the deadbolt on my door, couldn't take the parking brake off my car, couldn't scoop ice at work or even feed the dog without intense pain) I went through a couple months of physical therapy with exercises and a fluidometer to regain the full use of my hand/joints. It was my senior year of college so while I was going through physical therapy and wearing an immobilizer, I was still abusing my hand through ceramics, metals, and sewing classes.

 I also have carpal tunnel in both of my hands which in the past few months has caused random pain from hand cramping and stiffness, pins and needles, and sensitivity to cold- especially in the last two fingers on my hands- to unexplained throbbing that radiates in my forearms from wrist to elbow.Carrying really heavy trays aggravates it- which is why i don't pick hours in the banquets department anymore- though the regular trays I carry every day can still leave my fingers miserable.

 Most of the time, I either wake up in pain or I don't and that sets the tone for my day, occassionally the pain comes suddenly in throbbing waves. It's been worse the last couple of weeks and I'm not really sure why- I suspect the incoming winter cold is to blame.  Hopefully this new twitch will be short-lived, but in my experience my hands have only gotten worse over time- there are good days and bad days- but new symptoms don't go away. My carpal tunnel didn't used to bother me, other than occassional pain and tingling- now it bothers me all the time. It doesn't mean that I'll stop working on pieces, because they offer me a sense of fulfillment I don't find in my job, but it does make me remember being told by a doctor that there would come a day where i would have to choose between my hands and my career...I told him I would cross that bridge when it came, I hope I still have a ways to go...

From what little I know, once cartilage is damaged, it is damaged forever and will never be the same. There is no fix for it. The only cure I know of for carpal tunnel is surgery to cut the tendons in the wrist that are aggravating the nerves- and if you continue to use your hands the way that you did, the carpal tunnel will return. Immobilizers offer temporary relief of symptoms. Maybe I should see a specialist, but what are the odds that they can do anything for me? Magic 8 ball says the odds are not in my favor.


*There will still be a week 35 post this week. I just felt the need to vent/share/put my thoughts down in writing. This post will not be facebook linked or anything, but it will be here- mostly because deep down, part of me is terrified that that doctor was telling the truth, and it's a choice I am completely unable and unwilling to make. As I write this, my right hand is twitching- a muscle or tendon in it clearly spasming, and every time i pick up grab something cold with my left hand, the last two fingers seize up and curl- only for a moment, but a moment is enough. The things we take for granted...like being able to use our hands...